Freedom in forgiveness
Sixteen years in the public service and I’ve been stabbed in the back a few times. Sound familiar? I was stabbed in the back for real and it nearly killed me. It was one of the best things to happen in my life. Practicing forgiveness changed my heart and freed me from suffering.
I never saw it coming. I remember the sound of flip-flop on pavement right before the knife was pushed deep into my left shoulder, nicking my lung. It was 1pm on a Monday – February 2nd 2004. I was in Manilla on holiday with my father. We were walking in a busy place when three men decided that they wanted our camera more than we did. There’s a whole other story about a chase, confrontation and arrest, and being taken to hospital on the back of a tow truck – a man “whooping” like a siren.
Needles and examinations then the person beside me died. It was nearly 12 hours before the medical staff decided that the puncture wound was life threatening. I was whisked away for surgery without anesthetics. In the days that followed I learned a lot about life. Five days with no sleep, a man has a lot of time to think and reflect.
In the first few hours following the attack I admit to sobbing. Perhaps it was the effects of adrenaline wearing off. I remember the pain being phenomenal. I think that some of those tears mourned the loss of innocence.” Up until now, with exception to mandatory school bullying, I hadn’t really experienced any violence or crime. I know that I asked the “why” question … “why me”. My father’s wise response was “because there is evil in this world.
This is where compassionate touch is so powerful. In the hospital a woman of faith saw my tears and heard my sobs. She held my hand and spoke to me through a translator. She told me that she wished that could comfort me with her voice. The loving touch of a stranger with pure intentions is a wonderful thing.
In my hospital bed I reflected on the why of this world. I was told several times that I was close to death. I was also told that the weapon of choice “these days” was an ice axe and that I was the lucky one. I took comfort in the absolute truth being that I survived and this was an important truth for me to meditate on. I also wondered how I should feel about my attacker(s) should I ever see him again.
Police charged him with attempted murder amongst other things. In the following days I came to learn the name of my attacker. I found out that he was homeless, living with his wife and child on the streets. He had been a painter but was now jobless. He was also an addict of shabu, a mix of meth and caffeine and the withdrawal symptoms are said to be torturous.
I’m often asked how it is that I came to forgive this man who had driven a knife into my back. I did not want to be ruled by fear and I did not want to have a heart of hate.
“… for person with no forgiveness in heart, living worse punishment than death.” – Kesuke Miyagi (The Karate Kid II)
I will admit that it is easy to forgive the wrongs of a stranger. I had no relationship with this man. There was no betrayal of innocence. This man hurt my body, my physical body. He did not wound my heart. In my sleeplessness and self-reflection I understood that I had a choice in my future.
Forgiveness is not an act of weakness. In the weeks that followed I gave evidence and placed the matter in the hands of the courts. I stood no less than 2 feet from my assailant. I felt sorrow for him. In fact my heart ached for his wife and child who were now without husband and father.
It would be some 18 months before a verdict would be handed down – 7 years imprisonment. I read the court transcripts and remember feeling odd that I felt nothing … no relief, no anger … just nothing. I think it was at this time that I fully realised my freedom. The scar in my shoulder faded quickly. I find it ironic that it is the small scar made by the surgeon still stands out to this day.
It’s not to say that I’m completely free. I was taken back recently when the sound of flip-flop on pavement triggered my fight/flight response. My heart and breathing increased, and I needed to sit for some time and reflect on my body did what it did.
As a body worker I work a lot with people who are suffering from afflictions of their spirit. Life events that have taken a toll on who they are. It may be grief from the loss of a loved one, anxiety brought on by work place stresses, suffering following an accident, or sadly where loved ones have committed terrible acts. Their bodies tell in unspoken words the story of their ongoing suffering.
“When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.” – Katherine Ponder
Flesh and bone heal after trauma. Our spirit and our psyche may stay damaged for the long term. We are programmed to hurt and to mourn. Expression of emotion is part of the healing process. Denial of mourning, denial of emotion pushes our hurt deep inside where it festers. Years later these ancient wounds may present as a physical ailment – a stomach ulcer, insomnia, headaches, uncontrollable shaking or an unexplained pain.
If you are living with an ancient wound, forgiveness is a powerful step in your healing. When we practice forgiveness we set a prisoner free … that prisoner is ourselves. Justice need not be abandoned, but relinquish the hurt and hate in your heart. They’ve hurt you enough already.
David Clayton
Remedial Massage Therapist
My Hands Healing – Remedial and Tactile Therapies
Freedom to Live through Compassionate Touch